Walking, Not Falling

2006-09-18T14:38:00.000-05:00

it's monday and it's raining.

it is a kind of pain to find one's diversions/hobbies are mutually exclusive. i cannot seem to read and knit at the same time. go figure. i'm working my way through Suzanne Marrs' s new biography of Eudora Welty and it is a welcome remedy to that schlocky crap/pap promulgated sans Miss Welty's approval/authorization by K. Waldron. Waldron painted Welty as a provincial old maid and didn't realize that she was remarkably well-traveled and was party to a tragic love affair lasting many years with John Robinson (a remarkably handsome gay man) there is a suggestion that she and Elizabeth Bowen were close but even in her private correspondence Welty never was so definite that one cannot say "yes" or "no" and i just admire the quiet and unapologetic dignity of the whole. it is pleasing to see things as they are supposed to be........i was surprised she despised Carson McCullers because of her whiny and clingy attempts to "hook up" with Welty and Katherine Anne Porter at Yaddo. she really considered the woman a "little devil." sadly, Miss Welty didn't keep a journal or diary which would have been a remarkable source to gain some small access into her interiority and that's the stuff i really like..........shades of Anais!! lol.

i've sooo much to get read, written, and knitted! Poisonous Ivy called me with the excitement.....she'd just returned from her ultrasonogram and the baby is currently 14" long and weighs about 2 lbs. it is a boy and he'll be named Aaron Christopher and is expected to arrive December 23. so, the baby stuff needs to move to the front burner BUT i must get Peaches's scarf finished. Peaches is the 23 yr. old brother of M.'s 21 yr. old housemate. i cannot expect too much of the boy given he is only 23 and doesn't know "nuthin' bout nuthin'" as is true of anyone that age....it's a problem of perspective only and the only remedy is time. it's odd....he'll be affectionate then seems to withdraw....and i believe he thinks i might only be nice to him for another chance to poke him in the bum, again. i told him it's best, i think, that he just consider me a fondly affectionate friend who might poke him in the bum sometime again but maybe not.....it's not important. the other night he mentioned that he was directionless and i had to agree but i told him to simply pick a direction and go that way....just cause you're going in one direction doesn't mean you can't change direction later. i then offered myself as an example.....lit. major then biology major. young queer separationist of the "kill the breeders" type to someone who is perhaps only a little more 'gentle'. i also encouraged the boy to be patient.....he's had more than his share of things to process in losing both parents in the span of little more than a year AND some time to one's own is in many ways preferable to the "desperately seeking a hot boyfriend." i call him Peaches cause his fuzzy ass reminded me of peaches. he hates it because it's "not butch enough to be a nickname!!"

i am really pleased with these stripey rainbow-themed, stackable canvas baskets i bought the other day. they are for the stash overflow and my prettiest yarns look so pretty in their canvas nests. i wonder if the whole thing is more for me to arrange in a tableux than for practical concerns. ultimately, not important.

the goldenrods along my driveway and behind the house along the windbreak for the field have their first blush of yellow.....meaning cooler weather is imminent (thank God!!) i look forward to their greeny-chartreuse richening and deepening to the golden yellow that is a promise of frost. some people pray for rain, i'm praying for frost. yes, it'll pinch the tomatoes and the late blueberries BUT after a hard frost things become cleaner. purer, maybe? and it means that next year's hollyhocks go in as do the turnips, collards, broccoli, and cabbage. frost will sweeten turnips so that you'd think someone spooned sugar into the pot with them. i might put in beets as well....haven't decided. frost will also be the death of lovebugs and mosquitoes and this wouldn't be a sad thing, truly. thanks to Katrina, i've already enough firewood laid by for a long, cold and dark winter....a proper winter, one for which i can wear some of the "fab'lus" hats i've been making.

i put in an order with Yutanna the White Devil for Martin Meeker's book Contacts Desired: Gay and Lesbian Communications and Community, 1940's-1970's. the work focuses on gay networking in that time period and sounds interesting tho' i can't claim to even care about the lesbian side of it. i've grown tired and uninterested in them. there did at one time (and who knows it might still ) exist in mississippi a network of tea socials, bridge/garden parties, and MSCW/MUW alumnae that provided lesbians the opportunity to establish contact with each other.

i am feeling one particular tragic deficiency here in South Mississippi. i've had a hankerin' for some Tiki bar atmosphere but sadly, no Tiki bars to be found anywhere. i could recreate it and have a Tiki party in my backyard but that's so much work and the clerk at the booze shop stared at me like a calf looking at a new gate when i asked him if it was possible to get orgeat for my Mai-Tais (*i honestly loathe the sickly,cloyingly sweet alcoholic kool-aid that is passed for a mai-tai in most drinking establishments these days, don't you?"*)

currently listening to: the rain, the wind blowing through the trees and quietly on the CD player one hears "Stupid Little Squeezer" by Armageddon Dildoes.

currently should be: doing housework.

current poem:

Days of 1912 by Gregory Woods
Outside, the bedlam of the human race
Proceeds. The silence in this book-lined space
Is metaphorical, conveyed by tone.
Aloft, aloof, not lonely but alone,
The Poet listens, then rejoins the noise
To look for gods disguised as mortal boys.
So human are these heart-convulsing few,
Each is a miracle. Descended to
The common herd but from more lofty stock,
They raise the spirits as they stir the cock.

my, that was lovely!

Currently needing: a haircut and a foot rub.

Current aggravation: Peyton Manning, my extremely jealous and possessive imaginary boyfriend believes that some of the 'love grooves' on Justin Timberlake's new CD are about me. *sigh* it is a burden. i cannot help it if that boy wants me, too.

Current ambition: pricing lumber to build deeper shelving to accomodate storage bins of yarn and the like in my stash room.

Current ambition#2: repotting and dividing some of the asparagus ferns

2006-04-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

a passage from William Howarth's essay on Rachel Carson in the Summer 2005 The American Scholar really struck me:

"Secrecy is an important ingredient in imagination, allowing
us to pretend and invent, and some experts say that we have no self until it
learns to keep secrets. Children who have invisible twins or talkative
dolls are on a sound mental path. Those living with tyrants who demand
perfection or glory often have trouble maturing. They learn to inhibit
their needs and conform to dictates, creating a false self that hides what it
truly wants...They put others first and assume a sacrificial mien, embracing
denial as their duty."

Howarth concludes that Carson's life was such a captivity-narrative and he forcefully concludes that reading is a particular salve/solace for those living a captivity-narrative:

"Reading provides a safe, cloistered life until it nurtures writing, a way of breaking free and reaching others."

Ouch! a painful resonance. i glibly dismiss the reasons for my own writing as merely OCD inspired graphophilia and move on without attending to much to what really is happening. tho' honestly i have doubts about the "reaching others" since i'm never certain as to who i reach and why. i don't know if the function is still available but at one time there was a macro that would show who i was listed as a "favourite of" and i was suprised at who had me on that list since i'd never read their diaries/blogs and they certainly left no notes/comments. writing is a mechanism of or defense against loneliness.....by assembling these onscreen flickers that someone might happen upon and read; allowing the pretense that I am real enough to be "heard." real enough to evoke/provoke a reaction. i'm uncertain if this is a sad attempt at validation seeking......i am unkind enough to have on occassion left other people's entries with the feeling that i was "slimed" by someone else's needy seeking of validation. my own personal horror at being perceived as a needy validation-seeker warrants some scrutiny but that takes time and i've so little of that. i really don't feel needy. i feel harried and bereft quite often, but "needy?" just not certain about it. i appreciate the differences between want and need and i actually need very little. i want quite a lot.

want1: to be desired, adored, and loved without feeling trapped or constrained....an object of worship without the necessity of listening to and answering prayers (megalomania?)(narcissism?)

want2: a little less interiority without the threat of too much exposure. (*to be the epitome of Cheshire Cat-edness?*)

want3: to be more powerful without attendant responsibilities (*this is probably a paraphrase of want1 that is more acknowledging of the cruelty that want1 implies*)

want4: to have absolute control over the perception of myself by others.

want5: long, luxurious, slow blowjobs and ball-licking from hot guys on demand, any time, any place, regardless of context and situation.

want6: the lack of the necessity to use toilet humour and second-voiced self-deprecation to deflect attention from uncomfortable subject matter, e.g., the content of want5 and conclusion (*which will be the subject of the majority of most if not all comments this entry provokes, if any*)

conclusion: i'm a narcissistic megalomaniac with a modified messianic complex (sans the martyrdom fantasy)

2006-04-29T15:46:00.000-05:00

after some discussion with some educated friends last night (*all quite erudite despite the enormous quantity of marijuana they consumed....i don't partake of the herb or of the hop, either*) i've decided that since my degrees are in chemistry/biochemistry and microbiology and other things "molecular" and "clinical" i've no authority to speak of anything but oddities in test tubes (*in vitro for you latinists*) besides, God is tired of theologians and so am i. this could be a longer and more comprehensive entry but i've got radishes to harvest (still!!) and i'm going on a lichen hunt. i noticed some growing in the woods below the near pond on my property with asci like structures that were a blaze orange colour which was quite interesting against the light greenyblue of the primary vegetative structure.......hopefully, i can find it again for identification. if not, i'll put a note in my notebooks to be on the look out for it again approximately the same time next year. the mention of the near pond reminds me of a question i have harboured but never have gotten around to answering: "when does a pond become a lake?" the near pond and the far pond are each approximately 1-1.5 acres in area but the third pond covers approximately 17-25 acres depending on rainfall and the activities of the beavers. so, is there a criterion as far as size/area or is it a volume issue? i've worked with many limnologists but somehow never asked one of them. they should know, i'd expect. admittedly, the pissy tone of this entry stems from an observation shared and corroborated by these friends that we all have felt at one time or another constrained by the credentials each of us holds.....the assumption/expectation that we can only hold interests and opionions within the scope of our credentials. as an analytical scientist, i can not discuss issues of faith, literature, politics, or art. likewise, the art historian in this herbal cabal has felt that she has had to hide her fascination with social insects because this would be perceived as dangerously outside her category. i must now go and hide all the books in my house except for the technical literature and journals lest i be accused of somekind of heresy or worse yet, juvenile punditry. (*gawd, i've finally got to use the word "lest" in a sentence....i feel.....giddy*).

2006-03-18T07:02:00.000-06:00

i'm experiencing a horrible dilution of attentions. this blog is suffering for it as the rate of posts will attest. my best friend bought herself a husband via eHarmony and then due to some really plum job offers they had to make a sudden transition to the Pacific Northwest. this has created tons of work for me since i'm somewhat responsible for trying to find coverage for her vacated position at the hospital while the human resources devils begin their slow grind in finding a replacement. i'm a horrible worry-wart and can really bring myself to a dither very easily.....i'm seeing a GP this Monday because i believe i'll have to go on a medication for hypertension. my blood pressure has been more than a little high lately and i can tell......get sort of light-headed and i notice i tire, easily. last 2 measures were 145/102 (so very not good) and 169/99(certainly not improved). i dread the process because everyone i know that has gone on meds has had a miserable time at the outset getting acclimated to the drug after finding the correct one and correct dosage. i will have to work harder on stopping my reliance on cigarettes (*love 'em*). i turn 36 in a few days so i wonder is this a harbinger of a mid-life crisis?? tho' gay men are well past middle aged at 26(so i've been told and if true why do i know so many 40 yr. olds who developmentally are all of maybe 10 or 9?) so i'd expected that i was over that rot. oh well, we'll see.

2006-03-01T09:52:00.000-06:00

a truly unique and important voice in speculative fiction passed away of an apparent stroke February 24. Octavia Butler is one of the primary reasons i'm still a fan of science fiction despite the trend being most is schlocky by the numbers pap and pretty dumb. she showed that an author of the genre could address serious questions about identity, gender, poverty, fundamentalism, and racism. in a commentary/essay on the UN Conference on Racism, she asked the question "What would make us more tolerant, more peaceful, less likely to need a UN Conference on Racism?" to which she provided the answer: "Nothing. Nothing at all." She then spoke of the necessity of our resisting our innate 'hierarchical tendencies' which often leads toracism, sexism, classism and a host of other "isms" causing so much suffering in the world while never failing in recognizing that "there is, unfortunately, satisfaction to be enjoyed in feeling superior to other people" which makes this resistance difficult for most and impossible for some. it sounds grim, but actually i always took a sense of a kind of hopefulness from her books, interviews, and essays. perhaps the discussing and imagining of better futures/realities is one of the most powerful tools to realizing them. but, i could just be talking through my hat, eh?

2006-02-20T09:59:00.000-06:00

i need a personal assistant/secretary to whom i can dictate an entry to whilst i knit. i've tied up (*no pun*) with this really awful yarn....it's the first time i've ever messed with a 100% synthetic before....it squeaks and has a tooth for the needles......i've tried bamboo, teak, and steel needles and it holds to the needles regardless the material. anyway, the yarn was super cheap, and the colours are incredible....that's why i bought it. so, i live with the choices i make, eh? tho, i'll certainly keep bitchin' about the 'hand' of the yarn and certainly bitch about this being the slowest yarn i've ever encountered. this will eventually be a "Doctor Who" type scarf roughly 10" x 72" but since the yarn is variegated in these deep clear jewel colours: no stripes...i chucked any ideas of a pattern or fanciness and went with a standard garter stitch to try and speed this damn thing up. it'll be pretty one day. i've come to a decision to take a hiatus from the church for awhile. the str8 devils there were feeling more of a burden than an elegant young fellow like myself need worry over...... besides, i've been working a lot lately and my doctor's made threatening sounds re: my level of exhaustion. "busy peoples is happy peoples" as my friend Brick always says...... i must be insanely happy. besides, i'm using my hiatus from the UU as an opportunity to check out other congregations because honestly, the husband-huntin' in the UU ain't for shit 'round here. having a Sunday morning to myself was actually something of a treat for myself....i made myself a waffle with the blueberries and pecans......read my sunday paper and worked all the puzzles.....did some knitting, reading, then puttered over my seedlings. very relaxing day and much needed. actually tackled some con-ed stuff, too.

2006-02-09T08:40:00.000-06:00

i came across something somewhere(i've forgotten, ok?) that essentially was someone's wondering about a "meaning" for Katrina. a very jaded and cynical Baptist friend who is a closet socialist (i think) said to me "Katrina is proof that so many of the Main Street Baptist's (*he's making a pointed reference to one of the local 'fortress of god' mega churches*) are correct with their implication that God really doesn't like poor people.....they have messy lives." now, none of them would actually SAY it but i see where his implication comes from........most churches of any significance 'round here are purely for social climbing/networking. there, i said it. but Katrina does have meaning......it teaches us that the mighty can be brought low and that po' folks have a tremendous capacity to 'just get through...' i would stress that no one should ever mistake survival with living. Katrina could also mean that titty bars and gay backroom sex clubs are ok with God....since those parts of the Quarter seemed to get through relatively intact. Katrina could be the heralding of worse things to come.......does anyone see the problem of global warming being taken as seriously as it deserves? probably not. also, it shows us that we as a nation are too simperingly pleased at our own complacency....we get what we deserve by being so disengaged from what goes on in our government, our communities, in our own homes, and too often, in our souls.

2006-02-02T11:50:00.000-06:00

i found this over on kevin's blog and it made my day.....considering that i had myself a detonation of sorts at work.....i thought someone was being very unkind to a dear friend and sort of proceeded to "sling shit." i've never been a good quaker. but, this photo somehow helped me get back to myself. reminded me to not take anything too seriously.

y'all be good.

b.

2006-01-15T10:56:00.000-06:00

well, i came across this interesting quiz over at *christopher's and of course, i get results indicating i'm a heretic of some kind. i've been away for a bit....work has been particularly harrowing but in the long run i guess it's good for me. hopefully, i'll have a real post up, soon. the end-crack about ex-communication doesn't perturb me in the slightest since for me the idea of some git in a dress claiming infallibility is horrifyingly idolatrous/blasphemous....like he's never sprinkled the seat! oh wait, he might be a squat pisser. hmmmm.......must ruminate on THAT one. well, gotta run and go play professional gadfly at the local UU. it's hard being the ONLY Christian Universalist in the UU.

You scored as Pelagianism. You are a Pelagian. You reject ideas about man's fallen human nature and believe that as a result we are able to fully obey God. You are the first Briton to contribute significantly to Christian thought, but you're still excommunicated in 417.

Pelagianism

83%

Chalcedon compliant

75%

Monarchianism

67%

Monophysitism

58%

Nestorianism

50%

Socinianism

42%

Modalism

42%

Adoptionist

33%

Apollanarian

33%

Gnosticism

33%

Arianism

25%

Donatism

17%

Albigensianism

Docetism

Are you a heretic?
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-12-25T18:52:00.000-06:00

kill the str8 people

Sunday, December 25, 2005
usual 'crimmus' shit going down......and i'm contemplating killing some folks but that's normal for the season.
Sister Weezy at the church has asked me to do one of the lay services in 2006. i was taken aback.....i have one of my "Malcolm Q" KILL ALL THE STR8 DEVILS! sermons but i think it might not be what they had in mind. i have had a couple of notions buzzin' about my brain: 1) what are the factors that go into the cultivation of a rich moral imagination and it's consequent applications to the problem(s) of proximity in determining moral obligation? and 2) the evolutionary basis of religion....which i think would take 2 sessions and a reading list to be completed BEFORE i lay the shit down from the pulpit. ah well. i've time to make a decision. i told Sister Weezy that it would be after February before i could do anything if anything at all since February 3 is the anniversary of Monty's death and during that time i'm not really that interested in doing anything and contact with str8 devils will be a burden in the extreme. the Reverend has said she will go to the cemetery with me to visit his grave if i wanted........it will be the fifth anniversary and i've still not been to his grave. i found my "Hounds of Love" CD a week or so ago and i was so excited to find it i put it in the car to listen to as i went to work.......and just started crying. that album for some reason just brought Monty too close i guess. it still hurts because for the majority of people what we had isn't even acknowledged but in my heart like something God has laid 'pon me i say this.....nothing that breeder filth has can compare....theirs is the pale imitation playing out enculturated subject-object scripts merely to satisfy a weak biologic imperative and all their 'relational' hooey is a mockery of the intimacy and negotiated powersharing and communicative nature of homosex!!!!!. (<~~you might want to write this into your Bible somewhere in the New Testament as this is a gospel truth revealed unto you)i might end up doing one of those "kill the str8 people" sermons anyway; that way i can invite any and all who are offended to "just fuckin' die"

i've been asked again to formally join the congregation. when the Reverend asked me why i seemed resistant i told her the truth: "I do not trust str8 people and i have no interest in being the "tame faggot" to be brought out as a display/witness/testament to the 'liberalism' of the congregation." and i was thinking "Fear Me!" i'm not saying that i'm in a bad mood....to the contrary i'm rather upbeat. yesterday, i watched a documentary about a NGO building wells and health/malnutrition clinics in the Congo and one of the aid workers was a Frenchman named David Olodeque(sp?) who was a nurse establishing a clinic in the village of Kisula. i fell in love with him.....and that's saying a lot. other than Benoit Magimel....no Frenchman has ever moved me(Hugues is Quebecois not French). and i'm not lusting.....i just want to hear him talk and know what ideas he gets excited about.....his hopes and his fears. he's somewhere in the Sudan now......my fascination will wane in a few days but i'm enjoying my little pseudo-crush......and DM finally gave the second part of his sermon on "god is a verb and that verb is loving" and typical of any of DM's sermons i smiled, waved, and blew kisses at all the good looking men i saw as i went home from church. i am the gay terror of southeast mississippi!

for once, it seems that i am listened to and instead of stuff i have no interest in....
i received bookstore gift cards and i picked up a serious pile of loot! Mrs. Poisonous Ivy-Stinky Cheese (that's her married name) gave me a book that i'm enjoying the hell out of called The Sunday Philosophy Club by Alexander McCall Smith. she said the main character reminded her of me. i think i might have been insulted. the main character is a middle aged spinster (Isabel Dalhousie)who is the editor of The Journal of Applied Ethics and is nosey.....very intelligent but almost pathologically nosey (i'm not nosey....am actually almost pathologically disengaged in my narcissism) and remains single as a result of the great love of her life going sour. tho' i do admit that like Ms. Isabel Dalhousie, i do like Kant-bashing and i dotter about with weird thoughts about the moral implications of tricking and blow jobs as sacrament(yes, i once performed a poem reimagining/re-Visioning the Holy Communion as an act of oral sex: being transgressive was a requirement back in those days of my wild youth if you wanted any attention and any young queer warrior-poet is an unabashed attention-slut) Kant almost falls into the category of the (*reference deleted...shouldn't call anyone by name*) and i just can't get how someone can argue that the universe possesses an infinite capacity for suffering, pain, and misery but a limited if not non-existant capacity for love, joy, and happiness. just a personal beef i have with that school of thought.
i am probably on the list of people targeted by the Bush administration's "domestic spying" we Quakers are used to it. nothing new for us.........and there is still an "underground railroad" run by Friends of Friends that will help conscientious objectors in the service escape the U.S. or so i've heard. i'm sure some of the fiery rhetoric published under my name back in the day doesn't help. like i said......i really hated str8 devils in those days. i mean REALLY hated 'em. now, i'm just content with thoughts of strangling them slowly to death. (*i've never claimed or even pretended to be a good Quaker---getting smashed across the back with a length of pipe seems to have damaged by perspective on practical non-violence*)

Miss M bought me a fifth of a magnolia wine. that was nice of her but i really don't drink that much any more......i threw out most of a fifth of schnapps (*yuck*) someone gave me four years ago......she obviously didn't get the gift card from the bookstore memo. it's odd....of the survivors of the original krewe i believe i'm the only one who isn't an alcoholic......everyonce in a while, i think..." a Collins would be nice right now" and once i get a taste i'm done...don't want anymore. i loathe beer. it smells/tastes like what it is.......spent/dead yeast culture. i only go to the wine and cheese thing at the Episcopal church because i think all the pretention is hilarious tho' i do wonder if it is un-Christian of me to be making fun of the foibles of the bourgeois. i guess cigarettes are the only addiction i have room for?? that and sad songs.

2005-12-10T14:40:00.000-06:00

i'm not hot /a prevailing faggot model of love

Melissa and Ivy have had some 'entertainment' at my expense........they made fun of me for all the extra fabric in the seat of my pants. sue me, ok?? it's not my fault i have no ass......having no ass shouldn't matter, i'm a top!! anyway.....no ass, and a little pot belly (well....it pooches out a little). men my age are supposed to have a little pot started, anyway.

i was working on my checking account and i had forgotten i had logged on using the AOL sign-in for my evilBilly account and i got an IM from some hornydude who figured i was local cause the handle ended with the zip code. he didn't open with a "howdy" or "hi, i'm_______. how are you, today?" no boys and girls......he opened with...."how big is your dick and are you hot??" i kid you, not. i am not hot. i am loving, passionate, and a complete cuddle-slut. but, i am not hot. i'm actually freezing my ass off i am so not hot. i am the guy you date cuz you'll be guaranteed to be well fed, entertained, enlightened, and later....loved on so completely and good you'll see God, Buddha, Jesus, the Saints, and all the Prophets....TWICE. but....i am not hot. why, you ask, am i not hot? well....it's simple. i grew up and recognized that i wanted to be more than the life-support to a big dick. i actually had a guy walk up to me at the Dollhouse and tell me "i heard you got a big dick, wanna go back to my place?" well, he got to wear my drink back to his place. i hate the presumption that i have to prove anyone right or wrong. besides, i think it had more to do with the shortage of tops around here.....we have lots and lots of bottoms. i think most of 'em are bottoms because they are lazy. just a feeling i get. when i lived in new orleans i dated a guy named gary who was a model. he was hot, i guess. he did seasonal shows for some big department store or something and he was in a small photo in an Abercrombie and Fitch(Fritch?) catalog (*god did i ever get tired of hearing about THAT*). good lookin' guy....just dumb as a sack of hammers. so, honestly, i didn't consider him hot. i did consider Matthew hot. kind of average looking.....spoke 6 languages, had an MFA in comparative literature, and was unfortunately a celibate seminarian......he's a priest somewhere now, i think(probably a monk, now that i think of it...he kept mentioning a monastery in colorado a lot) so, i guess i understand why i couldn't compete with the other man in his life (*God*).
thinking about it....i hate it when you've met someone and sometime in the first 5' of convo. they mention whether they are 'stone bottom' or 'dom-top' or some crap like that.......that stuff can be figured out later and somehow it evaporates any interest that i had. ex-husband#3 and i were both 'top' and hell.....the time we had together, we were mighty damn happy and satisfied, if'n y'knowhutimean? (*damn, it sucks that my first job out of grad skewl was with Immucor in atlanta and his with an IT firm in Phoenix*) i am so glad he asked me to help him study for Dr. Mitra's midterm.(*we had 2 classes together in grad skewl*). i am amazed at what those sessions in the graduate student study carels lead to (*it was so kewl, we were all assigned a little private office space in the main libraries......eventually we even moved our offices in together and shared the space ;) *) it was in that little office that i learned that i could make him blush just by giving him a look....which later i found out much to my delight that i could also make...(edit).....with the same look ;) anyway..........i'm not gonna go into how he found out what happens if'n someone bites Billy's collarbone.

there's a huge grievance i have with fags in general......no mystique......all balls out and no willingness to let some chemistry develop. most "fall in love." no one "falls" in love....you can grow to love someone. but you don't fall into it.....you can fall into some shit....but not love. i've seen dogs come upon a steaming pile o' shit and they'll get in it and roll around in it...then i guess it's a combination of the shit gettin' cold and the smell hittin' 'em that they lose interest and wander off. (*dogs are kinda gross but so is any animal...even peoples*) that's the prevailing faggot model of love. as a way of going about doing things, i truly don't think that it is good enough. i got really tired of my 'friends' meeting someone at the club on Wednesday...goin' home with 'em and 'doin' it...they're in love....soulmates forever....they spend the rest of the week planning a future: a house with a white-picket fence, some Ikea furniture, and adopting a Chinese baby. then Saturday night at the club, together. one.....meets someone else, falls in love and leaves with him. sunday morning: devastation and the contemplation of suicide. Monday: grieving and self-immolation and questioning God. Tuesday: Gloria Gaynor CDs and resolve to be strong, to move one and do better for one's self. Wednesday night: to the club and this shit starts again. once or twice, this is ok. and can be important developmentally. BUT this just repeats endlessly and endlessly. worst kind of magical thinking i've ever seen or imagined....thinking the same behaviours repeated endlessly will somehow produce different results. i'm not the sharpest tack but it happened to me only once and i realized what i want and what i need will never be found where a bunch of liquored up fags go to hang out and hook up. so.......i'm not hot. ;)
i asked John John after one of his debacle/'relationships' of the pattern above just what is it he wanted in a boyfriend...the 'man of his dreams'. here's his answer: "tall, swimmer's build, and at least a 7" cock" i was shocked. i told him "you've not described a person!!! that's a body!!" he made out like I was the stupid one. i think me with 3 ex-husbands in 10 yrs. comes out far ahead of him and his 20 boyfriends/year. just me.......maybe 'cause i'm not hot.
i've never met anything special in a bar. yeah, a trick or two (ok, more than 2) and the occassional 'client' who rented dick by the inch by the hour. but nothing special. the three men i've been fortunate to love, i found somewhere pretty far away from the gay milieu:

ex-husband#1: K____, the brother to K____ a student in the analytical biochemistry class i taught. K_____ entered grad skewl and as a colleague intro'd me to his brother at a reception held for nobel laureate Hamilton Smith.
ex-husband#2: monty, introduced to me by Madame Fonz: a Samoan drag queen and arbiter of intra-faggot conflict (useless drama) and bouncer at Mama Ollie Mae's(*why do stupid, drunk str8 men think they could win a fight with a 6'9" tall, 350+lbs. man wearing a muu-muu, an hibiscus blossom over his ear and carrying an ice-pick in his hair-bun?!?!?*)
ex-husband#3: michael. introduced himself in Dr. Mitra's biostatistics class and asked if'n i wanted to be study partners. we also took epidemiology (*his degree program was something like computational biology but he switched over to IT stuff 'cause better job opportunities*) together.

2005-11-12T08:46:00.000-06:00

this is from an email i sent about a year ago shortly after i gave up the "Metro" life and returned to Mississippi.....some friends of mine in Manhattan were wanting to collect some Southern "gay" memories and this was my offering.....Lola declared that i was her hero for it and wondered if i were one of those boys who had to go to the "special" prayer room while everyone else at Baptist summer camp sang all 2000 verses of "Just As I Am". i didn't say then and i certainly will not say now.....but here it is, enjoy!(*warning, i'm a notorious potty mouth so my language can be kind of rough sometimes*)

Hey Lo!!
got in and did something shocking.....i wanted some noise so i turned on the tv and apparently i get a new satellite channel on the DirectTV....it is the RFD channel and it is a hoot!! the show that was on was about classic tractors! most of the people seemed to be on the older side but some of the younger fellas were hotties!!!! give me a farm boy over those high ciditty sophisticates, anyday!! a featured story on the program was how this cute old couple met at a tractor meet......she is a fan of John Deere tractors and he is a fan of Allis-Chalmers tractors but despite this difference in preference they got married at a big classic tractor show in Florida. hmmm.....i'll have to watch my calendar and go to one or two......'cause they ain't no luvin' like some redneck luvin'. i'm so tired i'm giddy and stupid but i guess it is because i have a weakness for the farmboys back when i was in highschool.....those pretty, kewl FFA jackets they wore and their tight jeans with the big clunky brogan type boots. first bunky i got was in the 'cab' of a big ol' John Deere tractor cuttin' hay. truly, a classic Southern moment...two sweaty FFA/4-H teenage boys bouncin' round on that big mean green tractor....it gets sticky hot and of course.....no one has a shirt on........and stuff just happens......i wish i could recapture that innocence......that sweetness. everytime i smell fresh mown hay....i flashback to those kind of memories......ah, must be careful....this kind of thinking could get me into trouble ;) no Amish boys around here to seduce but....there is a Mennonite young gentleman farmer not far from me.......i could pitch his woman in the well then make my move.......i think i'd be perfect playing the role of a Southern-fried dirtroad Jezebel. (*oh, i'm sure i'm goin' to hell, now*) down here, every town has a Jezebel or two.....the kind of woman (or faggot for that matter) that would go to a Methodist camp meeting and seduce the humpy deacons.......i, personally, never went after the deacons...but at Baptist summer-camp.....we always had these very earnest, hauntingly beautiful, remarkably young seminary students who worked as camp counselors...........and i fell in love with each and every one of 'em and my hot, sultry summers were filled with wild flights of fevered imaginings, Baroque (or Southern Gothic?) plots and schemings. oh God! it must be the humidity!!!!!!
when i was at Baptist summer camp, i usually could manufacture a few credible "dark nights of the soul" so i could seek out whichever counselor i had taken a fancy to for some 'counseling': there wasn't a fresh-faced barely 19 or 20 Baptist seminarian who stood a chance against a 14 yr. old boy who was a wanton seductress of such depraved perversity that nothing like him could EVER find its way into the Bible.......=) when i look back on some of the stuff i've done, i think "wow!" then i think "i have the morals of a snake" but i did love those guys......because at that age love was moony-eyed heartsickness and trembling when one of them brushed my arm or put his hand on my shoulder at the sing-a-longs. the beauty of these boys or these 'barely men' was in how sincere, eager, and really caring they were...trying so hard to be wise and learned...they were like way kewl older brothers but no one had brothers who were so incredibly humpy, y'knowhutimean? besides, they were old enough for us to admire....but young enough to not be creepy and young enough to join in the play........i can't imagine no place where there are such vast oceans of innocent homoeroticism like here in the South. like my grandma used to say about boys messin' around. "Ah hell! what's the fuss 'bout?!?!?!? everybody diddles around." as long as it is not acknowledged it is considered the most natural thing in the world.
so, i invite y'all to come down for the humidity and cut some hay. and remember, swimming holes are always open, always free, and clothing optional down this part of the country..............

2005-11-10T01:49:00.000-06:00

i think trying to keep abreast of current events and commenting on everything that wants or merits commenting could lead to adrenal burnout. just a thought.

sometimes, i think i'm just too busy for my own good.

i've finally made a dent in the masses of downed trees in my yard but still a long way to go....i'm projecting a complete clean up sometime in January(?).

just started a new med for my vertigo.....results are "strange" but my GP assures me that once acclimated these "strange" sensations will go away.

my knitting has sat in my tote thing for yarn and knitting tackle behind the passenger seat of my car for over a month. ridiculously overcommitted i am. haven't had time and i believe if i don't get serious about leaving myself breathing room in my scheduling i'll have to start scheduling my use of the bathroom.

and now, i have to come up with something simple, elegant, and too good for words for the church supper this Sunday.

2005-10-18T11:26:00.000-05:00

An Absence of Joy

The absence of joy is a frequent concern of mine in the congregation’s worship at the UU church I attend. I have a suspicion that for many there it is just motions....part of the weekly routine acted out by rote to ensure the flow of the coming week. Here in the deeply Baptist South before the move by the Convention to turn Baptist churches into something that doesn’t seem very Baptist one would often here someone mention a particular church and say "they really need a Revival in that congregation." This was said without any condescension. Most UU congregations I’ve experienced I feel are desperately in need of Revival but UU’s don’t have revivals and that’s not a good thing (apologies to The Martha) I find myself sometimes missing the joy of corporate worship and prayer that I experienced in the Baptist churches of my youth.......or the indescribable joy felt when visiting my friend Big I’s "sanctified" Baptist church down in the Ninth Ward when the congregation as one body spontaneously began to dance in the aisles. These moments, for me, superseded any doctrinal/creedal concerns I held(still do) because as one body everyone knew that God is good and that, simply, was enough. This joy doesn’t have to be loud or so demonstrative.....I have felt it at Meeting as well in the certain in-welling of surety and the knowing in the bones that God has drawn near. It’s funny, I prefer the un-programmed meeting but I do love hymn-singing. I blame my Baptist childhood......and the best singing is in the Sacred Harp-singing Primitive Baptist congregations.....and it is a source of great sadness for me that there are so terribly few left.
I’ve gotten into the habit of sneaking in some reading material when our Humanist is giving the sermon....I’ve gotten good at tuning him out....I’m even thinking of bringing my I-pod thingy with an ear bud to better drown him out. I reckon that it is less rude than just walking out and he knows that I really enjoy talking with him and politically we are remarkably on the same page but there is a vast chasm between us on spirituality tho’ I do get tired of his prefacing any discussion with me with the phrase "As a trained physical scientist you must concede......" I see enough horror and misery at my job I certainly don’t need more of the same at church.....I’d stay away on his Sundays if I’d receive my church newsletter and bulletin on time. I’ve brought this minor concern on the timeliness of the bulletin to the chair of the newsletter committee but so far nothing’s changed so I’ll just endure. That’s another beauty to being queer....we learn to endure.
Boy in the Bands(http://www.universalistchurch.net/boyinthebands/) has some interesting comments on pastoral misconduct in the UUA and I found myself asking the question "What about congregational misconduct??" Does there exist any mechanism for people to seek recourse for being treated horribly by a congregation? Other than removing themselves from ‘fellowship’ with that particular body of believers???.....one particular congregation comes to mind and lots of very talented and creative folks with a tremendous potential to contribute to the formation of a truly dynamic and lively congregation have fled for UCC or Episcopal churches where they were more welcome. This is a terrible thing since the founding members by and large worked so hard to get that Fellowship started and even they left as this "fellowship" devolved into a self-congratulatory Sunday morning social club. Never Say to your Traveling Self has a particularly illuminating post entitled "Curiosity Turned Into a Rant: Christianity and UUism" (http://lareinacobre.blogspot.com/2005/10/curiosity-turned-into-rant-on.html) that provides much food-for-thought. In particular, one of her commentators made an important observation as to this "culture of tip-toeing" in the UUA. I think if I tip-toed more, I’d better "blend" in........

2005-10-14T11:01:00.000-05:00

ok. i've been using quizzes to fill space in my 'blogs because i've been swamped with work, the garden, the yards, and family stuff. i'll have to do better but here's one i found over at *christopher's.

You scored as Akasha. You are the ultimate in ambition. You don't just want to own the world you want to make crawl to you on its hands and knees begging for mercy or at the least a taste!

Akasha

100%

Blade

92%

Dracula

83%

Marius

83%

Spike

75%

Armand

67%

Deacon Frost

42%

Lestat

33%

Louis

17%

Angel

Whose your Vampire personality? (images)
created with QuizFarm.com

hmmm. i actually don't mind the results of this particular one. i'd just hate it if it came back one of those mewling, whiny gits like Lestat or Angel. one curiosity: is this the result a Quaker identified universalist queer should be comfortable with???? ah, but that's the beauty of being queer.....self-contradiction is perfectly fine......it's ok that the thought of world domination by me turns me on. now, i'll spend the rest of the day humming that line from the song "I am stretched on your grave" that goes "...the priests and the friars/behold me in dread...."

2005-10-11T03:12:00.000-05:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% Dixie

30% General American English

15% Yankee

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

15% yankee!?!?!?!? that's just a damn lie!!!!!!!

tho' honestly, my accent isn't necessarily an "aw-shucks" corn-pone one. i'm from the border region of the Great Black Prairie and Great Piney Woods so it isn't quite as syrupy as a Delta drawl nor as twangy as a North Prairie/foothills accent. what i find truly hilarious is Trent Lott's accent.....he talks like an old style Delta planter when he's actually a coastal/'goula boy. he just lays it on so thick 'cause you yankee-types eat that mess up!

2005-10-08T02:26:00.000-05:00

this was too good....i had to share. from Public Theologian:

"God will not be domesticated by this generation's need for moral and theological legitimacy. God will not be put into the service of anyone's political agenda--not even a liberal one--so the invocation of God as rationale, particularly when one is doing violence, is fraught with all manner of attendant consequences."

2005-10-08T00:49:00.000-05:00

someone asked me the other day if i consider myself to be an authentic Quaker. i had to ask for clarification as to what "authentic" meant. the issue for my inquisitor was the fact that, to the best of my knowledge, i have never formally joined any Meeting. (subscribing to the Freinds Journal just doesn't count). honestly, the fact that i've not joined any particular Meeting is one of logistics. When i lived in New Orleans, there was a Meeting over on Carrollton that i attended as scheduling permitted....and i found myself having a "mini-Meeting" after the main Meeting with a smaller group. currently, the nearest Meeting is a 5 hour drive from my house and having only every other Sunday available and familial demands on my time being what they are.......i haven't gone up to Oxford for worship. so, instead i've started my own version of Quaker practice........just call me a Solitary Quaker. i've resisted joining the Universalist Unitarian(not to be confused with the Unitarian Universalist) church near my home because with my bizarre work schedule.....i don't feel like i can make such a committment when i cannot commit the time towards church service (that is to say, i'm a pew warmer since i can't work in the church other than contributing to the bi-monthly potluck).

another question that emerged during my inquisition was why i believed in God. now, this guy is a nice fellow and he's filled in for our minister on occassion (i avoid those particular days since he's a "humanist" and his sermons are dreary and offensive to me since i deal with sufficient pain, suffering, and death in my job to really hate having to endure more in a church pew) and he is something of an atheist. my answer was simply "i had a prayer unequivocally answered." nothing at all complicated, actually.

reading back over this.....i really need to quit using so many parenthetical asides and ellipses.

2005-09-28T00:40:00.000-05:00

ok. when i happened to look over at bending the rule, i was surprised to see *christopher had 'tagged' me.....my friend, Holly, happened to be reading over my shoulder and started laughing and said "only 5!?!?!" I think she was trying to imply something.

1. i, like *christopher, tend to read multiple books at once. it's a habit i picked up in graduate skewl and it's been rather hard to shake off. i don't religiously review the current literature as much anymore.

2. i usually work from right to left as opposed to left to right.....and i become left-handed when i work at the microscope. probably has to do with the right being left and the left the right; up is down and down up.

3. i'm addicted to crossword puzzles and have been known to work problems from calculus and physical biochemistry textbooks "for fun."

4. i eat sphaghetti using chopsticks.

5. i like to frolick nekkid in the rain....this is usually a spring-time occurrence and probably is due to some inherent Irish paganism.

2005-09-21T17:35:00.000-05:00

ah i'm in an odd mood and i just can't get over my amusement at the thought of legions of theologians trying to wrestle God into neat boxes.......or trying to get God to act as one of those Easter egg-coloured poodles at the circus jumping through a hoop. i can't remember if it was Rumi or Hafiz that spoke of himself and God as two laughing fat men turning around in a little boat brushing their fat bellies as they turn laughing at the spectacle of two laughing fat men turning in a little boat. somedays, most days i think, God is laughing at our spectacle and it's a good thing, i think. so, if only for tonight......everyone just relax and try to listen for the 'sound' of God's laughter.

2005-09-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

i have lights and i have phone!!!! and i have "skylights by Katrina!" honestly, i'm tired of Katrina and thanks to the folks who checked up on me via email and such (tho' i didn't get a chance to respond 'til today). i'm not going to talk about it 'cause there's too much of it in the "real world" and so like a veritable "trick that wouldn't leave," no more 'bout her.

i just finished reading CSLewis's The Problem of Pain and i reacted to it on a gut level....it's a hateful little book. it left me with the suspicion that tho' he claims to have rejected the lie of Total Depravity.....it is a deeply held and polished anchor to his thinking. this (my reaction to the book) is a great surprise to me since i generally love his books.....The Abolition of Man is a book i even make my students read. so, the book was an intrigueing experience for me. i did have the pleasure of seeing a lot of my own, personal ruminations and the like more explicitly outlined and explained in a wonderful book by Phillip Gulley and James Mulholland titled If Grace is True: Why God will Save Every Person. during this downtime, to keep up with some of the blogs i read (or attempt to read) regularly....a friend would print out new entries and send them in the post and i've been particularly interested in some of the discussions about modesty, carnality, and the like. carnality is a big issue for me because i'm a very carnal man. i even sometimes...engage in promiscuously kissing men......the struggle for me seems to be in maintaining perspective and not letting the satisfactions of the carnal component of my nature to rise to the status of an idol. and on that note......my current dilemma. i met a really nice fellow named Benedict and he wants to see me some more but i've found out that there is a boyfriend over in Atlanta. i like Benedict quite a lot.....but....i don't like people who cheat and i'd feel like a perfect shit if i participated in his cheating. down here, we call such as that "playing in a dirty house." but.....i do like him a lot. so, i try to discern the most graceful way through this mess and hopefully come out the otherside of it with a new friendship intact. it doesn't help knowing that they are still a couple because neither one is willing to admit it is time to finish things......that could be too much "cheap grace" and that just isn't good enough, anymore.

2005-09-09T02:43:00.000-05:00

post-Katrina.

well, from what i can see what's happening here in south Mississippi, thank God for the extensive network of churches down here; otherwise, a lot more people would be in more dire straits than they are.......FEMA has turned out to be a joke and a very bad one....but what can we expect from an agency headed by a political appointee whose only real professional accomplishment was spending more than a year investigating whether or not a horse breeder had a horse's ass liposuctioned(i don't have the link but it is mentioned in an interview by Amy Goodman on democracynow.org dated Sept. 8, 2005). places like Oloh, Hot Coffee, Rustin, Altair, Whynot, Reddoch's Ferry, Eucutta, and countless others haven't seen the first ERV from the Red Cross or a mobile canteen from Salvation Army. today, on the way to work was the first time i've seen military personnel.
my family has come through pretty much in good shape despite my Aunt Joe's ancient chihuahua having a heart attack the night of the storm(Rusty didn't make it but he was incredibly old....no one can remember what colour he was originally...he was that old.) my house has been deemed "uninhabitable" and my truck is under the carcass of a 100 yr. old red oak. my friend K's house in Pascagoula was washed away. i haven't been able to get in touch with my friends from New Orleans and Slidell......i'm hoping that Salondra will turn up in St. Louis but i have no ideas as to where Brandy, Natasha, Gregg, and the rest would have run to........considering Cheney's reception in Gulfport where a local gentleman invited the vice-president to "go fuck yourself!".......Missi-bama might be turning blue, again.

2005-08-31T02:54:00.000-05:00

well, i'll have to put the reckless ambitions for this blog aside for a little while due to Katrina just making an awful mess of stuff.......me and the family weathered the storm but looks like 3-4 weeks without power and phones and guess what!?! Mizzizzippi is damn hot this time of year! hopefully, the paper journal will be full of good stuff to bring here but i'm not promising anything......i tend to wilt 'neath the heat. i'll only have sporadic net access for the near future.

2005-08-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

.

i admit to more than a little interest in the discussion over at Bending the Rule. i attend a universalist unitarian church nearby because they at least say the right words and the nearest Friends meeting is just too far away to make it practical to attend with all my other responsibilities so.......i sit with the UU's. the church and congregation originally are universalist and that's more to my liking anyway.....i just didn't like being in a UU congregation that was not necessarily "christian-friendly." i do feel that what acceptance i have there is conditional on my being the "good fairy" and not scaring the other members. it's irritating but all-in-all i do enjoy the company....most of the time. usually, i'm pretty good at ignoring the feeling or impression that all this 'acceptance' and affirming language is merely tired lip-service to the published principles and doesn't come from something deeply held or necessarily heartfelt. i don't believe i helped matters when a couple of Friends visited the church and the minister was so excited to introduce me to another set of Quakers. she brings them over for introductions and immediately the guy doesn't say "hello" or anything like that....it is an immediate quiz: "Hicksite? Wilburite? Convinced or Birthright??" my response was "aw crap!"..and i just walked away. newsflash: i've had my fill of THOSE kind of discussions long ago and here in the South there's a phrase that sums my position up pretty nicely; "that cabbage don' need chewin' twice!" it is just too easy to focus on what is divisive rather than what is unifying. i should have handled it better.

2005-08-15T04:08:00.000-05:00

i seem to recall a time when i was smart.

my brain seemed to work. i can remember how things would just "make sense" and connections would form seemingly effortlessly. those days are over. i'm hopelessly pudding-brained. one of my colleagues tells me that it is simply a function of aging but i don't really feel that's completely the case. more than likely it is chronic sleep deprivation, and an unfortunate habit of over-committing my time. i've been going back again and again to an article at the Harvard Divinity Bulletin website called The Crisis About The Theology of Children by Robert Orsi. I'm aware that i'm trying to have a thought and that it has something to do with the contingent nature of identity (ies) but i just can't seem to get it to finish! maybe if i leave it alone for awhile, it will happen. tho' to be honest, worrying at it is hard not to do. like picking at a scab....
There is also a book sitting on the dining room table like an accusation: i was supposed to have started reading it two weeks ago!